Two years of loving you

Dear Jaxon,

It’s the night before your birthday and as you came into the world at 2.08am just a few hours earlier two years later I find myself reminiscing on months, weeks and days before your arrival. I was so impatiently eager to have you in my arms. I’ve spent the past few days scrolling through my photos trying to choose my favourites from the past year but it’s hard when theres a 4,172 photos and videos combined. Needless to say, I am utterly obsessed with you.

The photos amaze me. The progress you’ve made. Your first year of life was all about trying to get you out of hospital and home, such a basic desire. This year has been nothing short of epic. August to December I finished my final nursing placement before it was too late less than a month after you’d been discharged and like many other on lookers I expected we’d be back in those four walls in no time but you didn’t go back, you thrived. Until a carer overfed you and we rushed back and clocked another few nights just missing sending Christmas day in the place you’d spent most of your life to date. We’d just hit 9kg after 6 months of fighting reflux and intolerance and it dropped straight back off you and I was heartbroken. I’m smiling now because after another 8 months of chasing chub you’ve finally hit 9.2kg last week and 9.3kg this week so I am beaming at your growth.

Whilst we’ve battled with the scales you’ve done nothing but grow in so many other areas. Every other area in fact. This time last year your limbs were over actively stretching and grabbing everything in reach but your core lagged behind as you couldn’t yet hold your own head. Now my babes, I’ve had to put up a stair gate! No you can’t yet walk or weight bear but you learnt to lift your head off the floor whilst lying on your back at physio in October, and lift your bum! Next came rolling. You were not feeling it at all at first as we had to physically repeatedly show you what you could do and how you could do it and then in Cape Verde at 18 months all of a sudden I could no longer leave you lying on the bed as you laughed your head off going straight for the end of the bed! A month later you were sitting and within that same month you said your first word ‘book’ which sounded more like ‘abuk’. Soon everything turned into a bloody book and now you don’t say it but instead we have ‘mama’, ‘dada’, ‘open’, ‘shut’, ‘bum bum’, ‘bye bye’ (your favourite, especially during appointments), ‘peppa’ for peppa pig and ‘ben’ for Ben and Holly. It’s not where you’re peers are at but in this house we are all about you and that progress in one year makes my heart explode.

Another heart exploding moment – getting you in to Preschool. You start in a couple of weeks and considering you were rejected from 2 nurseries less than a year ago I’m going to say you’ve really blown every one away.

Medically you’ve graduated from a PEG JEJ (tubes going into your stomach and bowel) to a mini button (cool little device only going into your tummy) which is insane (I may have had to push a little and exaggerate your tolerance but it worked out in the end)! We started your first year in Tenerife intolerant to any milk in your stomach and water only really able to go in at a very slow rate to EVERYTHING in that tum tum. And when I say everything I mean milk, medications, chicken, sweet potato, bananas, dates and chocolate almond milk. You are kicking ass kid!

You’ve still visited hospital a fair few times but I don’t think we’ve stayed more than a week so I’m going to fist pump you for that. Well fricking done kid!

Terrible twos has definitely showed up to the party too I’m not going to lie. Kicking, biting, pulling your feeding tube out (a bit extreme babes can we knock that one on the head) but I have to empathise. It must be frustrating when you can’t get where you want to be or communicate what you want. I’m pulling every toy out of a box and in the end the one you want isn’t in there and you can’t tell me or get up and get it. You have the same wants and desires as your peers but limited abilities so no matter what anyone tells me about discipline, I think I’d be pulling my hair out if I were you too (still lets leave the tube alone though please my love).

Let’s work on that this year. Let’s work on that communication and weight baring. I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for us. Hopefully even less hospital visits and more progress. You’re going to preschool so I know you’ll thrive. You’re a fast learner and once you understand how something can benefit you, you’re on it! I can’t wait to live the rest of my life with you.

My favourite things about you right now:

  1. Your scowl when you’re mad. I’m sorry, it’s hilarious. You’re so expressionate and I can see you really mean business. I struggle to hold back the laughter.

2. The fact you’ve become SO affectionate. How did you learn to love me? ‘Give mama kisses’, ‘Give mama love’ are my favourite things to ask you. I went through a really dark patch and these seemed to come out in full force around that time. You’re truly amazing. I love your love.

3. That singing entrances you. You’re going through a phase of not wanting your nappy changed (interesting because you’re more than happy to take it off yourself and poo/pee everywhere!) but if I start singing, you freeze entranced.

4. I’m going to say it. Because one day these will be things of the past. Even though it’s my biggest worry, I’m going to lap up that you’re so underweight because when you put weight on carrying you everywhere is going to be a back-breaker! I’m also going to put out speak something into existence and say I love that you need me to get you from A to B because I get to hold you so close most of the day. When you’re walking I’ll definitely miss this.

5. You’re ignorance. Not a normal love but you being you I love that you understand me. You understand most things I say to you. So when you ignore me telling you to do something I know you know I can’t help but smile at the defiant personality it shows.

I’m going to stop now because your feed change is due and I need to wrap your presents! I didn’t stop smiling writing this and I’m sure I could go on for days but the message will always be the same no matter how many words are spoken I love you more than life itself. Whilst I would give up everything on this earth, sell my organs, sell my soul and even kill for your health to be ‘normal’ so that you could do everything without struggling and it being such a challenge, so that you weren’t drugged day and night and didn’t suffer nausea that affects you every single day of your life, so you didn’t have consultants and physios and therapists invading your day to day life just to try and help you get by. I wouldn’t change YOU for the world and I wouldn’t want to be any one else’s mum. I am so lucky you chose me. I am so lucky to feel this love and I am eternally grateful for the purpose you give me every single day.

Happy 2nd birthday baby boy. Here’s to many more!

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